Category Archives: Perks

Foreign Ministry Splurges on Vintage Cowboy Art to Redecorate Building

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VOL 1 | ISSUE 6

NEWZ 🎱 BRIEF
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FOGGIEST BOTTOM, WASHDC —After weeks of harsh criticisms on the removal of historical photographs and painting adorning the hallways of the Foreign Ministry, Foreign Minister H. Hamilton Hunter IV also fondly known as FM Hawwy on Sunday unveiled his redecorated office with a reception for the diplomatic corps and members of the press.

The photographs of white, old men were carted off to the warehouse and replaced with colorful artwork and posters of the Republic of Z’s purple mountain majesty, and cowboys.

The Foreign Minister’s strategic adviser told the press that cowboys are the minister’s favorite people, and it makes perfect sense to redecorate the building with the minister’s favorite scenes and artwork to remind him of home.

“He thinks like a cowboy,” said the minister’s strategic adviser.

“You carry a revolver with only six shots, and you don’t waste your bullets.”

According to the minister’s strategic adviser, the building’s entire top floor has cowboy art to remind Minister Hawwy that he thinks like a cowboy and that he should never waste his bullets. The advisor explained that this is not because bullets cost money, but that even when you can afford them, you may not always have a store open when you need them.

The reception ended with gunfire and fireworks. Meanwhile, guests went home with rugged cowboy cutouts, and blank bullets in their goody bags.

WARNING:
Reading The Wicked Wasabi may result in occasional fun or indigestion.
It is not intended for readers over 18 years of age
without a fully developed sense of humor.

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Broke Embassy Desperately Tries to Lure TDYers

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VOL 1 | ISSUE 3

NEWZ 🎱 BRIEF
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OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO — Embassy Ouagadougou, having completely run out of any money in their budget with which to tempt TDY employees to come and temporarily fill in at their Embassy, has begun offering potential TDYers a variety of unconventional perks to try to attract them to their post. “Unfortunately, with the severe budget cuts we have no ability to offer any of the standard set of TDY benefits such as per diem, etc.,” said Barb Wallace, the Management Officer. “Our embassy is operating at less than half staff right now, so we’re desperate for TDYers, but who would want to come without per diem? Since we have no other way to try to entice them, we all tried to brainstorm and figure out what we could offer instead.”

Having decided that perhaps TDYers could be drawn to Ouagadougou with novel promises of food, fun, and face time with the Ambassador, the embassy has begun a robust outreach to potential TDYers, offering any TDYer who stays for at least 45 days:

  • “Outdoor market shopping and dining experiences with the section heads!”
  • “Seeing hippos with the Ambassador!”
  • “Jewelry making!”
  • “A delightful outing to the elephant preserve!”

Should this innovative method of attracting TDYers without offering any type of financial renumeration whatsoever actually work, other desperate embassies and consulates may well be forced to follow suit. In the meantime, Ms. Wallace was quick to up the ante. “We pooled together our own personal funds to pay for these outings with the TDYers,” she shared. “If they come to Ouaga, they will have no end of fun! The Pol Chief has promised them a potluck barbecue at his house, and the Econ Chief says his wife has gotten really good at using their new ice cream machine, so he will bring homemade ice cream to the Embassy one day!”

Foreign Ministry Rolls Out New Housing Options For the Foreign Service

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VOL 1 | ISSUE 2

NEWZ 🎱 BRIEF
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FOGGIEST BOTTOM, WASHDZ — The ruling administration told Congress in a public hearing recently that the Foreign Ministry plans to shrink its worldwide footprint from Medium-Wide to Small-Narrow and slash the diplomacy and development budget in half by the end of the fiscal year.  “There had been a profligate spending in diplomacy and development over the last five decades, and look where we are,” Foreign Minister Hawwy said in his prepared statement.

To that end, the agency is beta-testing new types of housing for its overseas employees as Foreign Minister Hawwy presses ahead with his task of slashing the overall agency budget, according to people familiar with the matter.

“We should get back to the basic standard design of roof and walls,” FM Hawwy responded to reporters when asked why they are testing new housing options for their employees. “What is wrong with houses with open floor plans that give a sense of spaciousness?” he asked.

Option A

Option B

Representation is a key diplomatic function for many employees abroad who must develop personal relationships with host- and third-country officials in order to advance their countries policies.  Critics of the new plan are worried that the new housing could jeopardize not only Republic Z’s standing, but also the representational function, and the security of diplomatic personnel overseas.

A senior adviser for the Foreign Ministry who would only speak on background said that diplomatic security remains a top priority. The adviser explained that while they are shrinking funding in “every cupboard and every corner” possible, there will always be funding available for residential 18-foot walls, and concertina wires for wall toppers.

“Do you have the protection you need to do your job? If you do, what’s working and if you don’t, what more do you need — a bazooka? If so, you’ll get it,” the adviser confidently said.  The beta-testing will run starting the winter rotation cycle to afford employees the opportunity to make needed arrangements.

WARNING:
Reading The Wicked Wasabi may result in occasional fun or indigestion.
It is not intended for readers over 18 years of age
without a fully developed sense of humor.