Pizza Rat in Foggiest Bottom Prompts Changes at the Executive Secretariat



FOGGIEST BOTTOM, WASHDC — The Foreign Ministry announced changes to the Executive Secretariat late Friday night. Effective August 1, the Foreign Minister via his Chief of Staff, announced the appointment of the Chief of Staff to the Augmented Chief of Staff (A-CoS) office. Note that the announcement also requires that every reference to the new A-CoS in reports and memos should be in bold, Times Roman, point 14 font.

For the first time in 70 years, the Executive Secretariat will be subsumed by the A-CoS, a new entity with authority, not just to coordinate internal work but authority to direct and initiate major smile initiatives on behalf of the Foreign Minister.  The personnel portfolio was quietly added to the A-CoS before the announcement was made and includes the hiring and firing of the lowest grade at the Ministry’s cafeteria.  The expanded function was reportedly necessitated by the perceived lack of dedication on the part of all employees, but particularly security and cafeteria employees in catching the notorious Pizza Rat. The famous rodent of the New York City subway has reportedly been sighted in the Foggiest Bottom, and is presently considered at large and dangerous.

“The mere fact that Pizza Rat continues to evade us is proof that we have not given the best of ourselves to this job,” the A-Chief of Staff told employees. “If we can’t handle the simple job of catching Pizza Rat, we have not given the best of ourselves to this job,” she repeated, speaking on F-NET. “It is the greatest honor of my life to served as your Augmented Chief of Staff,” the A-CoS said, blinking away tears on camera. “Now, go get Pizza Rat. I mean, the Minister wants you to give it your best, and get Pizza Rat,” she ordered, straightening her hunched back.  “But  don’t see me until it’s done, or I’ll freeze all hiring and transfers,” she warned.