VOL 1 | ISSUE 3

NEWZ 🎱 BRIEF
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FOGGIEST BOTTOM, WASHDZ — Over the weekend, the Republic of Z’s (ROZ) Ministry of Foreign Affairs sent out a GIF cable providing additional guidance for the forthcoming National Day receptions and activities around the world.

Speaking candidly on background, two senior administration officials say that given the never ending controversies surrounding the new administration, it was deemed prudent to provide guidance to overseas posts on what activities are acceptable during the National Day events, and how to divert attention from the elephants what will obviously be in the room during the festivities.

Unlike in previous years where there were pop-culture themes like the “Zombie Apocalypse” or “The Wizard of Oz”, interagency disagreements prevented the identification of a singular theme appropriate in time for this year’s event. MROZGA or ‘Make the Republic of Z Great Again” has been suggested as a potential fallback theme although the Legal Office is reportedly concerned that this could potentially lead to copyright infringement complaints from well-known rapper Mr.Ozga.

In lieu of color and salute fireworks, posts may opt for something big to show that the Republic of Z is “Great Again.”  Posts have permission to borrow an airplane from any U.S. flag carrier and put one armored vehicle per post to a test.  If U.S. flag carriers are not available, posts have permission to approach the Defense Ministry of their host countries to borrow the required plane.  Videos of such fireworks may be uploaded to YouTube only for maximum exposure. Below is one of the President of the Republic of Z’s (POTROZ) all time favorite videos:

Concerns that ROZ diplomats will be asked about their personal opinions on walls and bridges during the National Day event, senior advisers say that the guidance cable permits the hiring of mime artists to explain the controversial wall and travel ban. Posts are advised to only hire Republic of Z mimes who can swallow articulate the complexities of these policies.

Senior advisers tell this reporter that posts were also asked to remind staffers of their obligation not to have any personal opinions on anything, except normal weather. If cornered by local contacts or members of the press on any substantive topics (e.g. climate change, refugees, immigration, human rights, etc.) that may prove controversial, staffers are advised to “keep moving” and show their dance moves to deflect attention.

The Priority cable emphasized to all overseas posts that to the maximum extent practicable, they should all use Republic of Z’s products including bottled water, finger foods, as well as ROZ-made wine and cheese during the National Day events.

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